Bright Colors and Broken Things

Tapping Back In

On Whimsy, Paint, and Permission

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I can’t breathe. I can’t move. I can’t feel anything anymore, and somehow that’s worse than the pain. Two years of this. Two years of being pressed up against a wall so hard that the outline of my body is burned into the concrete, and I’ve forgotten what it feels like to step away from it. Although, I did get a taste of stepping away, when I was in the hospital. How crazy is that! To feel like you’re getting a break while laying in a hospital bed…. ummk

pardon me for a minute, I just need to vent.

Then yesterday I watched a YouTube video from one of my favorite creators, and she was talking about how we should tap into our inner child. As I was watching, I thought: maybe that’s what I’ve been missing. Maybe that’s the key to breaking free from this cage.

I’ve been feeling stuck lately. For a while if i’m being honest. Slowly suffocated. Backed into a corner. I don’t feel like this everyday. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster for sure. But for the past two years, I’ve carried this weight. And with my breast cancer diagnosis in 2022 still fighting, and a brain bleed in 2024 still recovering, the corner feels smaller. On top of that, I’m on disability. A fixed income. Which means financially stuck too. And my 2006 Honda Accord went to car heaven in the fall. I loved that car.

Oh for Fucks sake !

My freedom, my escape route, my ability to just get away is gone. A car used to mean I could drive to the park, take a long walk under the tiny bridge along side the underwhelming pond and breathe again. Now I’m trapped in my own four walls. Where I am right now feels like a double-edged sword from every angle. Survival is a win. But surviving doesn’t always feel like living.

I remember doing a YouTube video about this about a year ago. About feeling like I’m losing myself and. tapping into my inner child. After that, I attempted to integrate a little whimsy into my life: writing, painting, pottery, playing with my dog more often, creating AI art (yes, that’s fun to me). Giving myself permission to enjoy life in small doses.

It may seem weird reading this. Like, why is it so hard to give yourself permission to enjoy life. It’s not that I don’t want to enjoy life, it’s the difficulties, or complicatons, aka the bullshit that goes with it I guess.

I was raised to be a worker bee. work first, enjoy life later. I added the enjoy life later part.

So, for the past few years, specifically the past two I’ve tried to make that a priority. And there always seems to be something to kick me in the back. lol. (ya gotta laugh)

About two months ago, I started painting on canvas. I had the time of my life. It reminded me of the childhood I did not have. Just me, 24 cool ass colors, a blank canvas to do whatever I wanted with it. No rules. No one watching and my MFSB playlist on Pandora bumpin!

I played my favorite song Alpha Centuri by The Salsoul Orchestra (my theme music) about 10 times, Just pure, messy, unapologetic beaming joy.

Then I started overthinking it. I want to paint a picture and put it above my fireplace. And that killed it.

I painted something. It wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t “good enough” to go above the fireplace. It’s sitting in front of my fireplace awaiting my decision. But there is one thing I know for sure. I’m not throwing it away like I usually do.

I had stopped tapping into my inner child the moment I started tapping into perfectionism. The moment I decided what I created had to mean something beyond the feeling it gave me in the making.

For the past two weeks, I’ve been saying to myself, you need to sit down and paint. It was even on my to do list.

Is this what we’re doing now? Putting fun on our “to do list”?

It was something I “should” be doing. Period! Which, ironically, defeats the entire point of tapping into the version of me that doesn’t keep to do lists.

Then I watched that creator talk about your inner child, and it was like the confirmation I needed. Permission, wrapped up and handed back to me. Like, Girl, if you don’t take this, go have some fun and paint!

Tapping into my inner child helps me relax. It helps me realize that I don’t need to be doing something “meaningful” all the time. I don’t need to be producing, building, creating with purpose. Sometimes the meaning is in the moment. Sometimes the point is just the paint on the canvas and the way my body settles when I’m in flow.

Painting is meaningful to me because of how it makes me feel.

It also makes me redefine what meaningful actually is. For so long, I’ve equated meaningful with impact, output, progress, something external that proves I’m doing enough. But meaningful is also this, sitting at my table, my dog at my feet, my hands covered in color, no pressure and no destination. Meaningful is my nervous system chilled out. Meaningful is remembering what it feels like to want something just because I want it.

As much as I try to consciously shift my mindset about always being “on,” it’s difficult sometimes. Unlearning toxic behavior IS DIFFICULT, don’t let nobody fool you. Especially when you depend on yourself. When there’s no one else to catch you. When survival mode has literally been your address for decades. But putting my well being first isn’t selfish, it’s the only thing keeping me standing.

I will be painting this weekend, this week and whenever the feeling hits. Not because it should produce something gallery worthy or fireplace ready. But because my inner child is asking for it. Because I deserve to play.

Your inner child is still in there. She’s not asking for much. Just permission. Just paint. Just the freedom to make something messy and call it enough.

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